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9 lines
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13 years ago
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<a href="/people/bigdaddydrew001/" title="Drew Magary" rel="nofollow" class="avatar noHrefOverride avatarimg">
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<img src="http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/commenter/1610000/1610103_32.jpg" alt="Avatar for Drew Magary" class="CommenterImage"/></a>
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<a href="/people/bigdaddydrew001/" title="Click here to read posts written by Drew Magary" class="author noHrefOverride" rel="author">Drew Magary</a>
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—<img src="http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/11/2011/07/medium_funbag_deathbutton.jpg" class="image_0 v10_medium" alt="Would You Kill A Stranger To Save Football?" title="Would You Kill A Stranger To Save Football?"/><i>Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at <a href="http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/tag/big-daddy-drew">KSK</a> or on <a href="http://twitter.com/drewmagary">Twitter</a>. Preorder Drew's <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Postmortal-Novel-Drew-Magary/dp/0143119826/ref=lh_ni_t_?tag=533633855-20">new book, The Postmortal, right here.</a> Email the Funbag <a href="mailto:"drew@deadspin.com"">here.</a> Today, we're covering poop, "Chopped", threesomes, and more.</i> </p><p>Last week, I went to the gym and went inside the locker room to change before I worked out (POWER LIFTING GRRR STRONG!), and when I went to pull my gym clothes out of the bag a pair of my kid's underwear went flying out of the bag onto the floor. They had gotten there by accident during laundry folding (I fold laundry with virtually no care or interest), but now I was completely freaked out because I'm a 34-year-old man and everyone just saw a six-year-old's panties go flying out of my bag. Sure, buddy. Sure, it just got "mixed up" in the laundry. Sure, you don't run to your car to go sniffing a child's underwear at the first available opportunity. FUCKING BABYRAPER!</p> <p>So I grabbed that shit and stuffed it back in my bag. I thought about making an aside to the strangers around me, like, "Goddamn kid's shit gets everywhere, AMIRITE?!" But I didn't say anything because that would have just made it more suspicious. I just jammed it back in fast as I could and got the hell out of there. Then, when I came back to the locker room afterwards, I made sure the undies were under the towel in the bag and not in plain sight. The moral of the story is this: Before leaving your house, ALWAYS CHECK YOURSELF FOR CHILDREN'S UNDERPANTS. You don't want to be caught with them on you. Your letters:</p> <p>Chunk:</p> <blockquote> <p>I just watched that movie "The Box", where a person is told that someone will die every time they push a button. This got me thinking: what would happen if the NFL were told that someone would die if the Super Bowl were played? Would they still play the game? Would it take a certain number of people to die before the NFL would consider canceling the game? Would the NFL be more open-minded if it were just a Monday night game or the Pro Bowl instead of the Super Bowl?</p> </blockquote> <p>I think Jerry Richardson would push the button regardless of whether or not it endangered the Super Bowl. I think he'd be the kind of fellow that enjoyed having a death button on hand at all times. Because when you're a billionaire, the thrill of normal things like money and love tends to wear off. After a while, you probably develop a taste for blood. FETCH THE BOX, CONCORD.</p> <p>But seriously, if all of this were done in confidence, and someone asked Roger Goodell to do it to save the Super Bowl, and that he would be killed if he ever leaked it to the press, I think he probably pushes the button. I sure hope he pushes the button. I don't give a shit about some asshole dying. I want the Super Bowl to happen. If someone told me I could end the lockout simply by drinking a cup of urine that was not my own, I'd probably do it. That's how warped my priorities are. I would never donate a kidney to my cousin, but I'd drink pee to end the lockout.</p> <p>Joe:</p> <blockquote> <p>Is Casey Anthony hot? Or is it just the bad girl image she has because she killed someone?</p> </blockquote> <p>I don't think she's hot, but she definitely seems like she's a good time. Unless you're a helpless baby, in which case she's probably not as fun to hang out with.</p> <p>I was not well-versed in the Casey Anthony trail when the verdict came down. The name kept popping up on Twitter every now and then and I was like, "What the fuck is that?" Then the verdict came down and everyone went batshit, s
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